


you're my blue

by yutaeilbot



Series: Zombie AU [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Guns, M/M, Shooting, Zombie Apocalypse, but there is violence, lapslock, potential for a happy ending, shit i dont know how to tag this, there aren't graphic depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-01-25 18:49:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutaeilbot/pseuds/yutaeilbot
Summary: mark and donghyuck had known each other for years.“don’t make this any harder than it has to be."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is an unbeta'd mess!!!! thanks to hannah for the idea and creative spit balling
> 
> title from taeyeon's "blue"

mark and donghyuck had known each other for years. they practically grew up together, and they thought they’d be friends for many more years. they didn’t think those many years would be while the world burnt around them.

 

metaphorically, that is. there were only fires the first few days - while people were burning the dead en masse, hoping to stop further spread of the infection. 

 

they were lucky that fate allowed for them to survive together. unlucky that donghyuck held mark’s hand while his older brother set their home ablaze, unlucky that donghyuck had to wipe away mark’s tears after nightmares of his parents’ screams echoed in his head. lucky they were together, unlucky they didn’t have much other choice. 

 

mark thought he’d never forget watching donghyuck running towards him in a full sprint, fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he tripped over himself and barreled into mark’s open arms. he’s never forget the way donghyuck cried that first night, shaking and unable to catch his breath, haunted by images of decomposition and fresh blood mingling around him. his parents didn’t make it. 

 

the pair were infinitely grateful for johnny and jaehyun. having his older brother around gave mark some sense of relief as they lived on, moving through forests, hot wiring a car here and there to cover ground more quickly. and jaehyun’s presence was comforting for mark  _ and _ johnny. something about the love of your life being alive in your arms in the middle of the apocalypse did wonders for johnny’s psyche. 

 

the four of them made for an unconventional family, but they were a family nonetheless. unfortunately, the family unit only lasted as a quartet for a few weeks, torn apart by bad weather and structural instability. 

 

when more than half of the world’s population is dead (or should be), there is no law. stealing to live became commonplace, raiding grocery stores was beyond no one, especially the first few months, when many stores were still stocked to some extent. it was easy to run inside and fill a bag or two with goods. this semblance of luck, however, was blemished by inevitable building damages from riots and fights which often rendered stores too dangerous to enter, but the quartet had yet to find that a problem for them. 

 

it was a stormy morning when they slipped into their target building. they’d taken pretty good care of themselves for the first month, but it was time for a restock, so the four of them slunk easily through the store’s busted doors, made sure not to make too much noise, had hands on their weapons as they crept inside. 

 

the store of the day seemed a little worse for wear, with openings in the ceiling and bullet holes riddling the walls. a large metal pole - the pole of a neighboring establishment’s sign - was precariously perched against the store, the far wall acting as a fulcrum to its teetering between falling into the store or sliding just enough to then roll to the ground. 

 

“how long do you think it’s been like this?” mark asked quietly, tracing along the beam with cautious eyes. he glanced back at hyuck and jaehyun, who had headed to the opposite end of the store. 

 

“dunno,” johnny replied, pushing away rubble and the occasional corpse as he moved swiftly, carefully through the store. “keep up with me, bag boy.” 

 

mark rolled his eyes but moved forward quickly regardless, following closely behind johnny and sometimes holding open his cross-body bag for his brother to dump goods into. it was pretty routine aside from the rain falling in through the open areas of the roof and puddling on the tiled store floor. the two pairs filled their bags and pockets with foodstuff in relative silence, only occasionally interrupted by the creaking of the sign pole in the wind. 

 

“we should go,” johnny said abruptly, maybe 20 minutes into their trip. “the wind is picking up.” 

 

as if on cue, there was another metallic creaking - louder than before. a beat if silence passed before johnny and jaehyun both broke into a sprint, their respective buddy’s wrist in their grasp as they stepped around a decomposing arm here, a bloodied knife there. not like they needed to grab mark or donghyuck; they would have followed suit the moment the older boys started running. 

 

the creaking grew louder as they made their way back to the entrance, until finally it turned into a harsh scraping. jaehyun, always quick to act, flung donghyuck forward with all his might, sending the youngest of their group barreling into johnny just before the massive metal hunk fell through the roof, effectively cutting jaehyun off from the rest of them. the impact sent all four of them backwards, but johnny was quick to scramble up once more to approach the pole, coughing through the dust and dirt kicked up by the air displacement. 

 

his heart sank as he approached the pole - it was slick with rain, pouring more heavily through the further busted roof, and it’s width was wider than johnny was tall. he couldn’t see over it, but heard a soft groan and a cough from his boyfriend on the other side. 

 

“jaehyun!” he called, clearly on the verge of panic. “baby, are you okay?!” 

 

“i’m fine,” jaehyun replied, but johnny could hear a strain in his voice. “i’m fine but you need to go; that sound was sure to attract attention.” 

 

they all knew he was right, sadly. if the crash didn’t attract a mindless hoard of the infected, it would attract other survivors, who were often cruel and merciless in the dog-eat-dog world society had come to be. 

“i can’t just leave you here,” johnny insisted, voice pleading. “do you see a way i can get back there? or a way for you to get here?” 

 

a moment of silence passed, punctuated by a sharp, pained gasp on the other side of the pole. 

 

“i can’t,” jaehyun said, practically a whisper. johnny could hear the tremble in his voice. “i -- please, johnny, you have to leave; you have to get safe, take them and go.” 

 

“jae --”

 

“johnny.” jaehyun’s voice was more firm this time, unwilling to argue the point. “we will always find our way back to each other. you know that.” 

 

mark slowly approached his brother’s soaked form, leaned against the pole, and rested a hand on his shoulder. johnny’s eyes were red-rimmed when he looked at mark, his expression twisted into a pained grimace. 

 

“i can’t leave him,” he whispered to mark, blinking rapidly. 

 

“please, johnny, all i want is for you to be safe,” came jaehyun’s voice once more. “please, i’m  _ begging _ you. you have to go.” 

 

“jaehyun…” 

 

mark turned away once more, returning to where donghyuck had yet to rise from the ground. he helped the younger up and took his hand, their fingers lacing together instinctively, seeking comfort. donghyuck turned to bury his face in mark’s shoulder, and mark responded by raising his other hand to hold him close.

 

“i love you,” johnny called, voice thick with unshed tears. “i love you so much.” 

 

there was another pause, and johnny could imagine the sad smile jaehyun probably had on his face. 

 

“i know.” 

 

and with that, johnny turned, determined in his footing and headed back towards mark and donghyuck to tug them from the store once more, each alive but hurting inside as they headed into the distance. 

 

—

 

that was when things got harder. the following months were difficult, especially for johnny, who blamed himself wholeheartedly for losing jaehyun. there had been a ruckus of some sort behind them that day - complete with a gunshot and the cries of the undead as they were put down once more - and they had all assumed the worst, honestly. johnny stopped sleeping more than a few hours at once; he put on his usual smile for mark and donghyuck, but they could see he was hurting badly. 

 

“johnny,” donghyuck called as they walked through the woods one sunny morning. he and mark had decided they needed to do something or the eldest’s health was sure to deteriorate. “do you want to head out and find a town? we need to get somewhere we can rest easy for a bit.” 

 

johnny wordlessly shook his head, determined to get out of the forest they way they were headed, the way he’d marked on a map last time they stopped in a town to grab food. he continued without gracing the conversation with a continuation. 

 

around noon they stopped to rest for a moment, drank from almost empty water bottles and snacked on poptarts and peanut butter crackers. donghyuck tried to tell some jokes in an attempt to lift the mood, but it seemed pretty useless when johnny’s far-off expression didn’t shift even a little. mark took hyuck’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

 

“i thought it was funny.”

 

they shared a small smile. 

 

once their break time was over, the boys decided to take point as they continued. it was kind of a futile hope, but they wanted to be helpful however they could, and were trying to do so by keeping an eye out and letting johnny relax behind them as they walked. 

 

they were quiet mostly, apart from the occasional memory one wanted to share with the others or a pointing out of an animal off in the distance. the crack of a breaking stick from somewhere nearby had all three of them tensing and gathering together. hyuck’s hand automatically found it’s way to the sharp glass shard wedged into his belt - after losing his knife several weeks prior, he made do with what was around, and the shard remained his blade ever since - and he gripped it tightly, not even wincing as it cut into familiar lines on his hand. 

 

after a moment, the barrel of a rifle came into view from behind a tree a few feet in front of them. a man approached slowly, his lower face obscured by a mask, eyes darting between all three as he came closer to the boys. 

 

“woah, hey.” johnny quickly stepped in front of mark and donghyuck, hands raised in a sign of good will. “hey, woah, hey.” mark would have laughed in a normal situation, but this wasn’t normal, was it?

 

the man’s dark eyes narrowed behind shaggy bangs, gun still raised as he asked, “who are you? what are you doing here?” 

 

“i’m johnny,” the eldest answered, enunciating each word clearly as if trying to avoid a mishearing of some kind. he gestured towards the pair behind him. “this is mark and donghyuck. we’re just passing through.”

 

there was a flash of… something in the man’s eyes as he looked them all over, and he did a quick visual scan of the forest before lowering his rifle. 

 

“come with me,” he said, turning on his heel and heading back the way he came, curving around the broad tree he’d appeared from behind. “quickly.” 

 

the trio shared a confused glance as the stranger walked away and johnny shrugged before following the man from what he deemed a safe distance. 

 

they ended up walking much longer than anticipated, though it wasn’t as tense as it could have been. about halfway through their trek, the man spoke once more after removing the mask from his face. 

 

“i’m yuta,” he introduced himself and turned to offer the following trio a smile. “sorry if i scared you. we don’t get many friendlies around this area.”

 

“there’s a few small settlements in this area,” yuta continued, making sure to keep an eye out as they walked, his hands keeping their grip on the rifle as they walked. “ours is one, there’s another southwest of here, and there’s a third about 10 miles north of the forest.” 

 

“‘settlements’?” donghyuck echoed, carefully stepping over a large ant hill. 

 

“a semblance of normalcy. small communities of survivors sticking together. we’re almost there.”

 

they walked in silence after that, and it was only a few more minutes before they broke into a clearing. it was a pretty decently sized little set up - tents and some other dwelling-adjacent constructs surrounding what looked like an old military building of some kind. the perimeter was enclosed in one high fence topped with barbed wire, and another about ten feet further in with an electric keypad on the gate. they could see several people out and about, some tending to what seemed to be a small garden on the eastern side, others carrying boxes to and fro. 

 

“the keypad?” johnny asked, uncertain. 

 

yuta nodded, ushering them quickly through the first fence’s locked gate with a glance over his shoulder before locking it once more and striding confidently to the second fence. “we’re lucky the electricity still works here.” 

 

mark and donghyuck gaped at him, surprised after having not seen anywhere with electricity in weeks - months, even - but sure enough, the keypad beeped softly as yuta tapped in a code.

 

when the gate opened, he gestured for them to enter with a corny flourish, grinning as he said, “welcome to neo city.” 

 

\--

 

walking through the small semi-village, yuta made a show of their arrival. he slung the rifle over his shoulder and cupped a hand around his mouth before shouting, “fresh meat!” followed by a howl that sounded more like ‘ow-ow’ than ‘awoo’. it caught the attention of those around them, and a few people responded with a similar yip. 

 

something about it made donghyuck smile, and he took in the area with wide eyes, ever curious about this seemingly functional society. 

 

“we don’t take in new-comers easily,” yuta warned, but then he broke out into a grin. “but, for you, we’ll make an exception.”

 

“why?” johnny asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

 

“you’ll see.” 

 

yuta gave them a tour and introduced them to several people as they walked through - a man only a year older than johnny with burn scars decorating his cheek and disappearing underneath a too-clean cotton eye patch, a boy a few years younger than donghyuck who seemed to be fashioning some kind of remote detonated smoke bomb from a clock and some other random items, two boys mark’s age with big eyes and goofy smiles, a kind voiced man with a soft smile who yuta jokingly yet affectionately referred to as ‘mama’ when they passed through the kitchen area. 

 

“there’s more around, of course,” yuta said after leaving the kitchen. “that’s just the people who were nearby while i take you to the really good bit.” 

 

no one responded to that, but the trio shared an uncertain look behind yuta’s back. 

 

they were led into the building, swept effortlessly down a hall that yuta told them was the medical wing, and then stopped in front of a closed door. yuta peeked his head inside, keeping the three at a distance while he said something to the people inside, then looked the trio over once more before holding the door open and gesturing for them to enter. upon doing so, donghyuck and mark watched as johnny’s entire body tensed, and then he dove to the floor enveloping a familiar form in a tight embrace. 

there sat jaehyun, dirt smudged on his cheek and his leg wrapped in a crudely fashioned cast resting limply on the floor. jaehyun was smiling as johnny’s arms came around him, but his smile fell quickly into tears and he wrapped his arms around johnny just as tightly. mark and donghyuck stood in the doorway, watching as johnny and jaehyun took a moment to sob before johnny took jaehyun’s cheeks in his hands and kissed him over and over, so gently - as if he was holding the entire world in his hands. 

 

“oh my god,” johnny whispered, hovering over jaehyun and pressing kiss after kiss to his lips, his cheeks, his forehead. “oh my god, jae, i’m so sorry.” 

 

jaehyun smiled through his tears, familiar dimples shooting raw emotion straight into mark and donghyuck as well. he lifted his hands to gently wipe johnny’s tears, muttering assurances to him between all the kisses, and huffing out these little half-laughs. 

 

“i can’t believe this,” jaehyun said, laughing incredulously. “you’re -- and the boys, too --” his eyes flickered over to mark and donghyuck in the doorway, trailing down to where their pinkies had latched onto one another before focusing back on johnny. “i’m so proud of you. i missed you so much.” 

 

there was a cough from elsewhere in the room, a small clearing of a throat that caught everyone’s attention.

 

“oh, right.” jaehyun smiled and gestured to his left, where two people sat not too far away. “this is taeyong and doyoung. they’re in charge around here.”

 

yuta snorted and rolled his eyes, muttering, “doyoung’s about as in charge as my left foot,” before turning and leaving with a farewell to mark and donghyuck. 

 

the two men greeted the trio warmly; taeyong with warm eyes and a kitten-ish smile that said a lot about him as a person without him disclosing anything, and doyoung with sharp eyes and a sharper tongue. they were a bit of a mismatched pair, but mismatched seemed to work well in this place.

 

“hi,” taeyong said, giving johnny, mark, and hyuck a once over with his warm eyes. “welcome to our little town. i think i speak for everyone when i say this is unexpected, but jaehyun’s spoke of nothing but you from the moment we first met; it’s touching to have you reunited.” 

 

johnny stood and cleared his throat, rubbing his hand over his face to try to collect himself before responding. “thank you for taking care of him when i couldn’t. you have no idea how much this means to me - to all of us.” 

 

“there’s no need to thank us.” taeyong shot doyoung a look before he could speak, effectively silencing some comment he almost made. “we’ve just done what we can.”

 

“will you be staying with us?” doyoung asked, seemingly with taeyong’s approval.

 

johnny and jaehyun shared a look, and then johnny and the younger boys. they all shrugged.

 

“at least until jaehyun’s leg has healed?” taeyong offers, almost hopeful. “we don’t mind expanding our little community here, right, doyoung?” 

 

the other man shrugged as well, noncommittal. “we’ve got space and jobs to be done.” 

 

mark and donghyuck shared another look while the elders talked, and mark slipped his hand into donghyuck’s to properly give it a squeeze. he offered the younger boy a smile and a nod, and they both knew everything would be okay. 

 

\--

 

the months in neo city seem more like years sometimes. by the time jaehyun’s leg is fully healed, donghyuck feels about 85, and mark doesn’t feel much younger; johnny’s been elated the entire time - to the point that even the demanding manual labor required to keep the community up and running couldn’t bring him down, all because of jaehyun. the elders had barely parted since being reunited, and it was almost enough to give anyone a cavity. 

 

they decided to stay once jaehyun was given the okay. the settlement was nice, it felt more like home than anywhere else probably could. taeyong and doyoung didn’t mind them staying, and yuta was more than happy to slap a gun in johnny’s hand and run him through the “security protocols” of their home - namely the shoot first ask questions later protocol for when someone or something unknown approached. 

 

mark and donghyuck, nimble and swift as ever, were welcomed happily into the ranks of the younger members of the community - those who were often getting into trouble and slinking around where they ought not to. as it turned out, the younger settlement dwellers were also frequently called upon to join a security team member or two on a trip to nearby cities or towns to scurry around buildings and grab supplies while others kept watch. the community relied pretty heavily on their fast younger friends, which was both a blessing and a curse to many of them. 

 

jisung was the youngest. even then he was only 2 years younger than donghyuck, though. he was the self-declared scientist of the “kids,” proven by the reveal of the fully functional remote detonated smoke bomb he had started fashioning just before johnny, mark, and hyuck’s arrival. he was plenty smart, but he had his moments where you’d think he had a fly buzzing around in place of his brain. 

 

jisung was also the brother of taeil - the man with the eyepatch they’d briefly been introduced to. he was the oldest of the group, and one of the most outspoken, unafraid to make his opinions known and his thought accessible to all. no one really talked about the eyepatch or the burns, but every few days the cotton pad would be swapped out for a new, clean one - it wasn’t hard to deduce the wound wasn’t terribly old. mark often had trouble looking at taeil for too long; it made something guilty stir in his stomach, something that reminded him of johnny burning down their house with their infected parents inside. 

 

the man in the kitchen was kun - jokingly and affectionately called ‘mama’ by many of those in the settlement due to his caring and protective nature. he had his nephew with him in the settlement, a young man named chenle who stayed in the medical wing. taeyong, taeil, kun, and jaehyun were the only people allowed into that room, and all jaehyun ever told mark or donghyuck was that chenle was in a coma, but he liked reading to him. they didn’t get any more information.

 

mark made friends with the two boys around his age - the big eyed, goofy smiling ones with the too-loud laughs and heavy accents. hendery and lucas had their fun messing with mark when he was fresh to the camp, but they were very serious about the safety of those around them. the settlement was much like a family to most everyone there, and it would grow to become mark’s as well. 

 

donghyuck was a favorite to play gatherer on supply trips. his speed and keen eye made him a perfect scout, and his lithe form got him in and out of places some of the others could never hope to scoot through successfully (he thanked the years of gymnastics and performing arts for his grace). the catch with donghyuck’s success was johnny and mark’s hesitance to let him out of their sight for too long. it was a habit that led them to many more trips outside than they really wanted. 

 

but they always returned together, sometimes with treats to share with the others, sometimes empty handed, always together.

 

until they didn’t. 

 

the original quartet was assigned on a supply run when it happened. the four of them, along with taeyong, were supposed to travel south to a town that was pretty notorious among the settlements for the structural damages making building entrance difficult. donghyuck and mark were confident enough that they could handle it, and taeyong’s thin form and muscle control also lended well to their possibilities of success. 

 

it was quieter than they expected, and they kept it that way as the five of them slunk through the overgrowing brush lining the main street of this town. they hadn’t seen any infected so far, much to their relief, and they grew more and more confident as things went smoothly. they had three bags in total, which they were able to fill with canned goods and some other things that never go bad, and they found several bottles of bleach in the store - a testament to the lack of human access, since bleach was valuable for a great many things. even with their great finds, they made sure to play it safe as usual, and the run was a success. just an in-and-out visit that had them returning to the settlement by the next sunrise. 

 

they weren’t too far from the outer fence of neo city when it happened. johnny and jaehyun led the group, followed by mark and donghyuck, with taeyong bringing up the rear, keeping an eye and ear out for disturbances behind them as they continued. he was perceptive, able to catch sounds fairly easy and detect movement from the slightest change in the environment around him, but something was different this time. there was perceived sound, no noticeable change before a figure stumbled out from the trees in front of mark and donghyuck. 

 

for a moment, everything seemed to run in slow motion - johnny and jaehyun pulling their guns and taeyong reaching out for the younger boys, but the small swarm of infected didn’t seem so slow. an adrenaline rush kicked into both mark and hyuck, but before they really knew it, everything was over.

 

everything was over, infected corpses were burning in a pit in the forest, and donghyuck had a bloody, heavily breathing mark’s head in his lap. donghyuck couldn’t tell you how exactly they got there, the memory reduced to gunfire and pushing, clawing hands and screaming. he couldn’t tell you exactly what happened, but he could tell you it didn’t go right. 

 

“mark.” donghyuck’s voice was steadier than he’d expected it to be. he brushed the elder’s hair out of his face, staring down at him. “why?”

 

mark offered him a partial smile and reached up to pat hyuck’s head. “i promised you i’d protect you, didn’t i? way back then.” did he really? donghyuck didn't remember.

 

taeyong, johnny, and jaehyun stood several feet away, having a hushed conversation that donghyuck didn’t need to hear to understand. 

 

“you’re going to be okay,” he said insistently, but it sounded like a lie even to him. “everything is going to be fine, i promise. you kept your promise and i’m going to keep this one.” 

 

it took a lot of willpower for hyuck to focus on mark’s face and not on the rest of his body, the chunks of flesh removed by mouths and hands that held him to the ground and wanted to devour him whole. he’d pushed donghyuck out of the way. in that slow-motion-but-not moment, mark shoved donghyuck back, took the brunt of several infected leaping onto him at once, struggled against rotten teeth and peeling nails while the elders moved in half-time, turning too late with guns and knives that wouldn’t have saved him anyway. 

 

“i hate you,” donghyuck choked out, the tears finally catching up to him after sneaking a glance down at mark’s torn and bleeding body. “i can’t believe you.”

 

mark laughs - a weak, breathy sound with no real weight to it. “i know.” 

 

“but it’s going to be fine.” the lie again. “you’re my best friend. i won’t let this happen to you.”

 

“don’t make this any harder than it has to be, hyuck,” mark chided half-heartedly. “i knew what i was doing.”

 

donghyuck made no effort to move as his tears started falling, dripping heavily onto mark’s unflinching face. they just sat like that until johnny stepped forward and placed a hand on hyuck’s shoulder. 

 

“we have to --” 

 

“no.” donghyuck interrupted him before he could even finish the thought. “no, we can’t. we have to help him, johnny, we have to.” 

 

“hi, john,” mark said weakly. “i’m glad it’s you.”

 

“donghyuck, i’m  _ sorry _ .” johnny’s hands were insistent, and joined by both taeyong and jaehyun, pulling him up and away and letting mark’s head hit and bounce against the ground.

 

“no!” donghyuck sobbed, clawing desperately at the hands pulling him away. “no, we can’t!!!” 

 

johnny stepped forwards once more and knelt beside his brother, jaw clenched and eyes watering as he said, “oh, markle. i’m sorry.” 

 

mark puffed out a chuckle that turned into a heavy, wet cough, oddly glad to hear the teasing nickname again. tears streaked down johnny’s face. 

 

“mark!” donghyuck was still shouting as taeyong and jaehyun pulled him back, shushing him and patting his hair down with soothing hands. it wasn’t working. “mark, i love you!” 

 

he was too far away to hear mark say, “i know,” but johnny wasn’t. the eldest’s shoulders shook with a sob as he stood once more. his heart ached; it ached in the echo of what jaehyun had said to him when they thought they’d never see each other again. the same discourse. i love you. i know. 

 

it felt cruel that he had to listen to his little brother echo that intense emotion and then never have it resolved. it was unfair. and now he had to shoot him.  

 

jaehyun pulled hyuck’s face into his chest, trying with taeyong’s help to quiet hyuck’s heartbroken sobs, but being unable to properly hush him through his own tears. only taeyong didn’t cry, simply remaining firm hands on donghyuck’s shoulders and sad eyes watching as johnny tilted his head back, covered his eyes with one hand, and used the other to fire a single shot to mark’s head. 

 

\-- 

 

things got harder again. donghyuck understood now what johnny had felt all those months ago, the numbness of loss, the apathy. except hyuck didn’t have a mark and hyuck to look after. he didn’t have a reason to be strong as johnny had; no one in the settlement needed him anymore. 

 

the building they centered their settlement around was two stories - the second of which was turned into living quarters for those who were a part of the community. taeyong had a room, often occupied by yuta as well; kun and doyoung shared a room, though kun took to staying in the shut off medical room of his nephew; johnny and jaehyun had a room; mark, donghyuck, hendery, and lucas shared a room; jisung had a room that would one day be chenle’s as well. 

 

hyuck couldn’t bear to spend more than a few minutes in his room at a time, and took to staying with jisung, who wordlessly accepted him into the room with sad eyes. he couldn’t speak to hendery or lucas without it bringing tears to his eyes. he couldn’t look at johnny without feeling guilty. 

 

jisung’s room was the last room on the far left of the building, two doors down from johnny and jaehyun. donghyuck passed their room every night when he could no longer bear being in his own room and headed to the youngest’s. he noticed they started fighting the day mark died.

 

“i can’t believe you gave up on him so easily,” jaehyun hissed, voice thick with the onset of tears.

 

“what else was i supposed to do?” johnny demanded. 

 

the door was partially ajar, sending soft candlelight into the otherwise dark hallway. donghyuck peeked through the crack in the door and watched the two as they squabbled, watched them both cry and shout, watched johnny punch cracks into the drywall by the window. 

 

“we could have tried to do  _ something _ !” jaehyun spat back, even though he knew there was nothing to be done. he sat on their shared bed and held his head in his hands.

 

“there was nothing to be done!” the elder yelled, turning to look at jaehyun through furious tears. “he was my  _ l ittle brother _ _,_ jaehyun! you know i would have moved mountains for him if i could!”

 

when jaehyun didn’t reply, johnny continued.

 

“we’ve been together for five years. do you really think i would have thrown him away like he was nothing if i could have saved him? is that the kind of person you think i am after all this time?” 

 

hyuck flinched back as johnny approached jaehyun, footfalls heavy even across the short distance, and watched as the eldest fell to his knees in front of his lover, head hanging in defeat.

 

“is that really who you think i am?” this time johnny’s voice was small, broken. “what did i do to make you lose faith in me? is it --” he choked on his own words. “because i left? that time? you told me to. you  _ told _ me to go and i did; i took the boys and got to safety because  _ you told me to _ _._ ”

 

jaehyun took johnny’s cheeks in his hands and tilted his head upward, shaking his head in response. they both looked exhausted and worn, like they’d aged a hundred years in a day.

 

“my little brother,” johnny sobbed, shoulders heaving. “he’s all the family i had left, jae.” 

 

donghyuck could see jaehyun was struggling to speak. anyone would have been able to see the pain etched into his face, the devastation. 

 

“he was my family, too.” he finally said, barely whispering. “after all this time, he was mine, too.”

 

jaehyun was an only child. he’d cut tied with his parents as soon as he could after high school and had been on his own ever since. johnny and his family had been jaehyun’s family from the beginning of their relationship; they had taken him in with open arms, became his safe haven in a world he felt isolated in. even after that, it was hard for him to put how he felt into words.

 

“i’m sorry,” he said, leaning forward and resting his forehead against johny’s. “i shouldn’t have said that. i know you’d do anything for him. it hurts to have lost him, and it hurts to see the people i love most in so much pain. i’m sorry.” 

 

they sat in silence and donghyuck couldn't bear to see anything more. 

 

\--

 

they buried him. not the same day, but soon after. johnny and jaehyun kept fighting, donghyuck kept sleeping in jisung’s room, mark’s body lay decomposing under layers of earth, and life moved on.

 

every sunday donghyuck took a bundle of wild flowers to the place they buried mark. he’d place them gently amongst the previous weeks’ dead flowers and he’d sit next to the closest tree and he’d tell mark about the whole week, about johnny and jaehyun and how tired they looked, about jisung’s newest invention, about chenle waking up, about hendery and lucas leaving. this carried on for months. donghyuck found it comforting, even if he felt lost and alone. 

 

there was a patch of multicolored wildflowers just before the area with the grave. donghyuck would stop and yank a few from their root - whichever ones he found pretty that morning - and he’d count their petals and steal his nerves for this routine of his. it became normal. flowers, grave, talk, cry, leave, repeat next week. he appreciated the routine.

 

when mark’s birthday rolled around, donghyuck took a little extra time. he took a detour in the woods to an area he knew proper flowers bloomed at, and he was careful plucking them for mark. the august morning air was crisp and cool, cruelly teasing a relief to the incessant sweating donghyuck would surely be subject to as the day progressed. almost a year had passed since the world burnt. 

 

donghyuck brushed dirty from the pretty white petals of the flowers in his hand as he pushed through the familiar path to mark’s grave. when he broke through the trees, his whole body froze at the sight of a figure slumped against the tree he typically sat against through the morning. carefully, he reached down and picked up a rock - not a huge rock, but sizable enough to do some damage if applied directly to the face. he approached slowly, and kicked the figure’s foot from a decent distance. 

 

immediately, they stirred, blinking open groggy brown eyes with a groan before stiffening and scrambling back against the tree.

 

“who are you?” the boy demanded. “what are you doing here?” 

 

“i should be asking you that,” donghyuck hissed, protectively inching ever-so-slightly closer to the rock marking mark’s grave. “get out of here.” 

 

the boy’s eyes flickered from hyuck’s face to the flowers in his hand and back a few times.

 

“i’m sorry,” he said after a moment, standing to turn away.

 

donghyuck was almost relieved that the boy had seemingly picked up on what was going on, but there was a nagging sensation in his head that told him sending the stranger off wasn’t what he was meant to be doing. a voice in the back of his head whispering, “don’t,” the voice of a familiar stranger. his throat began to burn.

 

“wait,” he called, wetting his lips with a pass of his tongue. “i’m… donghyuck.”

 

the boy stopped, turning on his heel to look at donghyuck. a incredulous smile broke out on his face. “na jaemin.” 

 

“do you… need somewhere to go?” 

 

“that’d be cool. probably better than passing out against trees.” 

 

a moment of silence passed between them before donghyuck knelt down, gingerly laying the flowers in the same place he’d been putting them for the past five months. he rested his hand on the makeshift grave marker and muttered, “i’ll be back later,” before standing and gesturing with a nod of his head for the stranger - jaemin - to follow him. 

 

“come with me,” he said after clearing his throat.

 

jaemin had no issue following the order, and he followed behind as donghyuck walked the familiar path back to the settlement. although silent, the walk wasn’t unpleasant by any means - in fact, donghyuck found it quite comfortable. something about it told him he and jaemin would probably get along fine. 

 

jaemin was as amazed by neo city as donghyuck was the first time he stepped foot inside, taking in the area with a wide eyed sense of awe during their walk to find taeyong. they had to peek into a few rooms and get redirected by a few people before finding him, but taeyong is more than accepting of jaemin staying with them. 

 

“we’ve got space and jobs to be done,” doyoung said, shrugging. 

 

for a moment, there was the fleeting feeling of someone latching their pinky finger with donghyuck’s, but, when he turned, there was only jaemin there, reaching out to shake hands and properly introduce himself to taeyong. hyuck couldn’t help the little laugh that escaped him, and rapidly blinked away the tears gathering in his eyes. 

 

“i can show him around,” he offered, though he tried to seem uninterested. “if he wants, i mean. it’s whatever.” 

 

jaemin was more than happy to accept the offer, and they spent the day acquainting jaemin with what would become his new home. donghyuck didn’t go back later, but there wasn’t any guilt. in fact, over the course of the day, a fuzzy warm feeling settled in his chest, providing a moment of sweet relief from the constant ache of loneliness he’d felt all these months. 

 

at the end of the day, jaemin plopped himself down on mark’s old bed like he belonged there. he smiled sweetly at donghyuck and they swapped stories while they got ready for bed. snuggled into their respective beds across from one another, jaemin said, “i think i’m gonna like it here.” 

 

donghyuck smiled to himself in the darkness, the ache not present in his chest for the moment, and replied, “i know.” 


	2. - release

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> donghyuck visits the grave with a heavy heart, and leaves with a little hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im having a rough time so have some sad shit

it's been too long, he thinks, since he last talked to mark. a visit every week has since turned to every other week, to once or twice a month, to once a month, every other month. the path towards mark's makeshift grave is overgrown now; vibrant spring greenery blossoming without a care in the world, unaware of the loose ends resting just beyond.

donghyuck feels guilty as he approaches the clearing - at this point he doesn't actually remember how long it's been since his last visit, only that it's been long enough for the trees to lose their leaves, long enough for snow to have blanketed the forest and then melted, long enough for new flowers to have bloomed all around, dotting the woods and decorating around the tall stone tower he'd built at some point as mark's grave marker. when he'd made it, he told himself he needed something solid to see - an actual point of reference for where he should project his voice to when he spoke. so far it's made him feel less like he's talking to the empty air, and more like he's talking to a figure he can pretend is his best friend. 

though, things have changed since the last time donghyuck had come. after jaemin's arrival, donghyuck found himself able to stomach life once more - within a month or so, he was back on supply runs, although significantly more paranoid than he used to be. his trips are always successful. taeyong made donghyuck a party leader six months after jaemin joined them - that was probably a few months ago at this point, too. it's been a while since he last talked to mark. 

sitting by the stack of stones felt foreign after so long, but not foreign enough for donghyuck to do anything else. he presses his lips in a thin line before heaving a loaded sigh and leaning over to rest against the rocks. 

"mark..." his voice wavers when he begins. "it's been a bit, hasn't it?" 

he doesn't wait for an answer. he doesn't expect one. 

"i'm really tired lately," he admits next, guilt pooling in his gut. he shouldn't feel so tired. he feels like he doesn't do enough for warrant fatigue. "but things have been going smoothly. mostly." 

there's a pause while hyuck gathers his thoughts; he isn't sure where to start. 

"johnny and jaehyun are... apart," he says, trying to choose his words carefully, as if they'd hurt someone listening. "it's made the entire camp tense. they're obviously unhappy being apart from one another, but they... they still fight a lot. about you. it might be over something stupid like a piece of rotten fruit, but we all know it's about you. johnny hates himself for failing you. jaehyun hates himself for losing his family again." 

a pleasant spring breeze blows through the clearing. donghyuck's eyes dart to his left upon hearing a rustling that proves to be inconsequential. 

"jaehyun's taken to staying in our room with jaemin. johnny... tries to keep me in his line of sight all the time, now. he's scared, but he doesn't say it out loud. he feels like he's lost everything but me, even though jaehyun is right down the hall. they're pining. it's a little ridiculous for a couple of almost six years, don't you think?" 

the burning starts in the back of hyuck's throat, signalling the onset of tears that would probably benefit him at this point. taeyong has told him a few times that he's emotionally constipated, like something's stopped all his emotional releases and his feelings have just festered like an open wound. the elder insists letting out his emotions will make hyuck feel better, but it doesn't feel so easy. he clears his throat. 

"jaemin..." 

he pauses and closes his eyes as the breeze picks up briefly, blowing through his too-long hair before settling down once more. jaemin is a topic he isn't sure how to begin with. he can feel the tears gathering along his waterline. 

"he's nice. he likes me." hyuck's words feel almost forced, choppy, like a petulant child who doesn't want to admit to making a mistake. "he kissed me yesterday."

there's another rustle, this time to his right, and he nearly jumps out of his skin when a rabbit bounces into the clearing. for a moment, he considers catching it - his knife is in his pocket and he's sure kun wouldn't say no to fresh meat for dinner. in the end, the rabbit hops away unscathed. 

"it wasn't unpleasant," he continues, voice lowering almost to a whisper. "and i hate that afterwards i thought about you, about how jaemin can kiss me with that stupid grin on his face but i couldn't tell you i loved you until you were basically dead in front of me. if i had told you years ago, would you have kissed me the same way...?"

hyuck bites into his bottom lip, brow furrowing. he pokes absently at the dirt in front of him, drawing nonsense shapes. 

"i guess we'll never know, huh?" he lets out a little laugh, and that's when the tears start falling. "we'll never know." 

he spends a pretty good amount of time sobbing into his hands, sitting on the forest floor. it's more noise than he should probably be making, but he's too gone to care in the moment. if something came and got him, well it'd just be poetic justice, wouldn't it? him dying in the same place mark died trying to protect him. irony at it's finest. it's mid-afternoon by the time he calms himself once more.

"i think i like him too," he whispers, like he's telling a secret. "is that... bad? i feel like i'm betraying you by accepting it, but he makes me happy." 

there's a pause. this time he wishes there would be an answer. it'd just be easier if mark would tell him it's cruel, it's unfair to him, but donghyuck doesn't even know if mark felt the same way, or if he just saw donghyuck as his best friend - maybe his brother. hyuck has never been sure. they never crossed that line.

"i miss you so much. every day." he exhales shakily. "i know jaehyun and johnny do, too. i hate seeing them fight, because i know it's my fault, y'know?" 

somehow, just to spite him, his body manages to push a few more tears from his eyes. they trail slowly down his cheeks. 

"you're dead and it's my fault, and they're suffering because of it, but they still smile at me. they still go out of their way to make sure i'm okay, but they have to know it's my fault, right? they have to. sometimes i wish you'd just let me die instead, so you guys could have stayed a happy family." 

"don't say that." 

when the voice comes from behind donghyuck, he pushes himself forward, trying to fling himself as far from the unexpected response as possible. he doesn't get far, of course - only managing to push himself a few feet forward in the dirt before turning and drawing his knife with shaky hands to point it towards whoever is there. he doesn't expect to see it's johnny. 

"please." johnny's voice cracks on the last syllable and, after a moment of inspection, donghyuck can see the elder's eyes are glossy and red-rimmed from crying. "we don't blame you. not even a little. we never have." 

the breeze blows between them and neither make an effort to move. 

"you didn't..." johnny pauses, biting his bottom lip and glancing away, blinking furiously as if trying to rid himself of more tears. "you didn't tell anyone you were leaving." 

that pool of guilt, stagnant in hyuck's stomach, springs to life once more, filling exponentially. he thinks it might suffocate him. 

"please, donghyuck--" johnny's lip quivers, and the following sigh he lets out is heavy with sadness and frustration. it's so sorrow-laden that hyuck feels his eyes water again. this isn't what he intended. "i thought--we thought--" 

johnny's voice cuts off with a sob and he sinks to his knees on the forest floor, resting his weight back on his calves and just staring at the younger boy. donghyuck drops his knife and lets it hit the ground with a dull thud. slowly, he crawls his way back over to johnny and flings his arms around the elder's neck, pulling him into a tight embrace that's returned with no hesitation.

"i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry," hyuck says, over and over, repeating it like a mantra. he never said it before - not to johnny, not about this. 

they hold each other and cry for a moment before johnny leans back to look hyuck in the eyes. he raises a hand to wipe at the now dry tear streaks on hyuck's face, and he shakes his head. "he wouldn't want this. he loved you. he would want you to be happy."

"he'd want  _you_ to be happy too," hyuck retorts with a sad laugh. "you and jaehyun both."

there's a slight pause before johnny nods. "we... we've been working on it. it's in the works. we're getting there. it's just gonna take us a minute to..." he makes a vague gesture with his hand. "...heal, i guess." 

hyuck doesn't know what to say. there's a sense of relief that the older boys are working out their problems, but there's still something heavy weighing on him. he doesn't know what to do. 

"do you want to head back?" johnny asks, voice soft. "or do you want to spend more time here? i'm sorry i interrupted in the first place."

still, hyuck doesn't know what to say. he opens and closes his mouth a few times, before taking a breath to steady himself. "i--" 

beside them, the stone tower - mark's marker - falls. the action is abrupt enough to startle both of them, and hyuck stares at the pile of rocks with wide eyes. there was no reason for it to fall. it was structurally sound enough for him to lean his body against it and have it not move, and yet... it's crumbled. the next breath hyuck takes feels like a rush of something new. 

_it's okay to move on._

he turns his attention back to johnny, who is also staring at the rocks with surprised eyes. "johnny."

the elder looks at him, brows furrowed, and hyuck stands once more, grabbing johnny's wrists and pulling them slightly to encourage him to join.

"let's go home," he says with a soft smile. 

johnny only nods, rising to his full height before ruffling donghyuck's hair like he used to all the time almost two years ago, before mark died, before the world burned. some things don't have to change. 

"let's go home, hyuck." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twitter

**Author's Note:**

> i was emotionally pent up and i cried a lot writing this and i tried to focus all my sad energy into it i hope it worked :^) 
> 
> find me on twitter @yutaeilbot


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